You lose your own self when the you, the self, falls apart. You lose your partners, friends, families when the you and your self fall apart. You lose the most-importants to you, all of them and those, and somehow in exchange keep what others think most-importants, but to you….
Inside you feel you’re disintegrating; outside, you must show up and make today happen when all you want to do is try to fix the most-importants but you cannot, as on the inside you feel you’re disintegrating but on the outside you must show up and make today happen when all you want to do is try to fix the most-importants but you cannot, as on the inside you feel you’re disintegrating but on the outside you must show up and make today happen when all you want to do is try to fix the most-importants but you cannot, as on the inside you feel you’re disintegrating but on the outside… and repeat, and repeat, and repeat…every. single. day. all. day. every. day. every. morning. every. minute. every. second.
Culminating in total breathless numbing exhaustion; mind-spent; extended; beat-up; full of self-loathing; brimming over with self-doubt in every aspect of your entire eternal existence; and on your kitchen floor, schizophrenically hungover, five in the morning, legs splayed out in front, back against the refrigerator, unable to stop the tears that you’d never ever ever ever ever let anyone else hear or know about, ever, with the cocked and loaded .40 sig sauer with walnut hand grips in your lap thinking please stop and how long will it take to be found - it’s Friday, so Tuesday, maybe Wednesday, or even Thursday because everyone knows you are incredibly busy so the phone stops on weekends and no one would ever think this would happen and you’re driving north somewhere on a sporadic road trip and will be in touch soon from Vermont or Maine and they know what needs to be done at work because you still do your job really well, so they’re fine without you - and thinking should you put the trash out? Will anything go bad in the fridge? Will this make a mess? Who will come first? And...sorry? Should you clean? What does the bathroom look like? Curtains drawn? Did you tell your mom you loved her when you hung up last night? Is this going to hurt? Time…big sigh...huge relief. Get rid of the lead coat. It's been there forever.
And he walks around the stairs you built, sits in front of you, hangs a paw the way he does, and stares into you with his big black nose and deep brown eyes and black lashes the same way he has for the last ten years and you think, who’s going to feed him for these days until someone notices and will the right person get him? … And you hang your head and cry and cry and cry and cry and he comes closer so you decock the pistol now and hug instead and slide asleep on the tile for 20 mins before getting up, putting on the today face, make coffee while gripping the counter, and show up and make today happen even though all you want to do is try to fix the most importants but you cannot as on the inside you’re disintegrating but on the outside you must….